The Single Man's Laundry Cycle

I lived on my own for quite a long time in a little unit in Lara which I loved.  It was the perfect sized place for a single guy, easy to maintain and keep clean, great for entertaining (everyone loved a good roof party)  and had great acoustics for the many rock concerts I put on for a highly appreciative audience ie. - my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

I thrived in this place and it became a central meeting place for our little social circle.

I remember once that a friend of mine commented how amazing it was that I "did everything" when it came time for me to mow the lawn.  I think because I cooked, cleaned, entertained, mowed the lawns, put the bins out and all the other things one does when living independently, she was impressed. As I pointed out to her though, if I didn't do those things, who would.

However, as impressive as it may seem, there was one area that I feel let me down (and to be honest, still does)


I'm rubbish at it.  I've tried to stay on top of it, but because of my  come-and-go lifestyle it is an extremely difficult task to do so.  These days, I have quite literally given up on it, and when I finally realise I have nothing to wear, it's much easier to pop in to K-mart and pick up a cheap t-shirt, or pair of pants than have to go through the rigmarole of my laundry cycle.

You see, my laundry cycle is extremely complex and, well, long.  It's not something one can accomplish on a sunny Sunday arvo, but in fact spans weeks, if not months.

I've named it "The Single Man's Laundry Cycle" and it goes like this:

Step 1)  When you can no longer see carpet, nor open your bedroom door owing to the inordinate amount of clothing overflowing from your laundry hamper, then it's time to wash your clothes.

Step 2)  Slough off the top level of your laundry hamper (or alternately gather up everything that is on the floor) and place it in the washing machine. Don't worry about separating darks, lights, fabrics etc. 'cause we're doing all this on a cold wash, so it won't matter what you do.)

Step 3) Turn on washing machine

Step 4) Approximately three (3) days later, return to washing machine and rinse washed clothes that are starting to develop mould on them.

Step 5) Place all socks and jocks into the tumble dryer, you don't need to waste precious clothesline space or pegs on those, and hang out everything else.  Repeat the process from step 2.

Step 6) With two loads of washing on the line and 2 loads of socks and jocks in the dryer, your work is practically done.  Congratulate yourself as you turn on the dryer and take your laundry basket, still approximately two-thirds full back to your bedroom.  Doing another load would be pointless at this point as there is no room, nor time, to dry it properly, but you'll do some more tomorrow when you've brought all the dry laundry in.

Step 7) Every morning, go to the tumble dryer to collect only the socks and jocks that you need for that day. You don't need to bring the rest in.  (In my case, the dryer was actually out in the shed, so I had to go out everyday, rain or shine, to collect the things I needed)

Step 8) Approximately 6 weeks later, your two loads of laundry are still on the line, although your dryer is now practically empty (well done).  Collect your clothes from the line and place any that are covered in bird poop back in your laundry basket.  Most clothing, despite being stiff as a board and sun bleached to the point where it now looks like a hypercolour t-shirt, is still entirely wearable so hang it up.

Obviously this process only really works if you live alone and don't have to share the machines or clothesline space with others.  If you do, the solution is simple.

Once you can no longer see your carpet, nor open your door, gather up everything and take it to a laundromat.  Use multiple machines so you can do it all at once (you can even be a little bit fancy and separate your colours and fabrics like a grown up).  Once this is done, place everything into one of the HUGE dryers that uni students climb into and then post photos of themsleves on facebook in an attempt to look spontaneous and outrageously wacky, and dry everything at once.  (NB - when removing clothes from these dryers, anything with metal buttons on it will BURN DIRECTLY THROUGH YOUR FLESH so please, be careful)

So there it is folks, direct from me to you, the definitive guide for laundry for today's modern man.

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