Dear My Body,
I know I've put you through a lot over the years; stretched you beyond your limit, starved you, burned you, overworked you, exhausted you and have now left you scarred, in what can only be described as an apparent attempt to give you that "lived in" look. In return you've chosen to be susceptible to many diseases, given me poor skin and even poorer eyesight, robbed me of the ability to tan and have now, it seems, decided that my hair is no longer necessary.
But let's face it, we're both getting older and we need to start working together if we're going to last.
You may have noticed in the last week that I have attempted a peace offering by feeding you more regularly with wholesome and nutritious food, have taken you out twice a day for some fresh air and exercise, and have given you ample opportunity for rest and recovery during these school holidays.
But in order for these things to be of full benefit to you, I'm going to need you to co-operate.
I realise trust has to be built over time and that one week is perhaps not enough for you to see my good intentions, but all I ask is that you give a little in return. You might find it benefits you just as much as it helps me.
I have forgiven you for your more recent discrepancies, such as, in what can only be described as a nasty attempt at a military coup, forcibly removing my vocal range without explanation. I've also seen reason and will grant you amnesty for denying me the ability to breathe normally when I place you in a horizontal position. And as for that stomach tear/hernia that incapacitated me last year, not to mention the swine flu.....all forgotten.
So, to that effect, when I stand up today, I would ask that you do not try to force me back down by the neck and cause me to hunch over. And if the first few steps I take whilst trying to walk anywhere could be much more fluid and less shuffl-ey, I'd be much obliged.
My long term goals for our strengthened relationship would be to be able to take you out for longer runs that don't result in active mutiny on your part via the means of calf knots or decreased lung capacity after a measly 2 kilometres.
Think of those happy times when we would be able to enjoy the sun and fresh air for those 10km runs with an almost laughable casuality. Oh happy days gone by!
So, I promise to no longer subject you to ridiculous attempts at twisting and manipulating you beyond the normal human range of motion for the average man if you will promise to stop over-reacting and panicking whenever I take you for more mundane forms of exercise.
I look forward to reaping the benefits of this mutually beneficial relationship.
P.s - I don't want to push my luck, but about the hair; Can you at least try to maintain a grip? I know how much it loves the adrenaline rush that comes with a 1.78m free-fall, but you need to sit it down and explain that it will DIE upon impact, so it's best to just stay put.